Boundaries, Needs and Interdependence
Needs and boundaries are the polar opposites that form the magnetic bonds of relationship.
You do not choose your boundaries and needs, you discover them by tracing your reactions when others try to meet their needs through you or when they block you from meeting your needs through them.
Boundaries are actually about closeness, not separation, and should be discussed in the spirit of “let’s get our boundaries just right so we can be as close as possible without hurting each other.”
Needs and boundaries are supposed to evolve, because you are supposed to evolve.
We don’t choose our boundaries, or “learn how to set boundaries.” Rather, our parts already have boundaries and if we aren’t aware of them or asserting them it’s because other parts are blocking that knowledge or action.
Anger (including annoyance, criticality or subtle resentment) always means part of us has a violated boundary or a refused need. This anger is very useful. It leads us to the part who carries the boundary or need. If that part is up to date and not acting in an extreme way or completely taking you over, the anger is actually very healthy and gives you the energy to firmly but lovingly enforce your boundary or inform your partner that the relationship isn’t meeting your needs.
When my boundary overlaps with your need, there’s a crisis in the relationship. Needs are as valid as boundaries. A boundary is actually a need, a need to don’t. When one person’s need violates another person’s boundary there are four possible outcomes:
-The boundary shifts to accommodate the need
-The need shifts to stay outside the boundary
-The relationship ends or is redefined
-One of them forces a fit by going against themself and suppressing their need or boundary. Or perhaps both people do this and meet each other half way.
Of the above options, the last one is very harmful and can lead to deep depression, anxiety, rage, muscle cramps, digestive issues or even chronic illness or cancer. And yet most relationships tend to fall into this category when there’s a need/boundary conflict.
To learn to work with boundaries and needs, you need to go inside and work with your parts. You’ll discover that your parts have needs and boundaries between them, and that this is where the biggest opportunities lie.
The preferred outcome for the relationship is that the need or boundary authentically shifts to where there’s no longer a conflict. If the boundary shifts, that partner can now meet the other partner’s need. Or, if the need shifts, that partner can have their needs met without encroaching on their partner’s boundary. The key here is that the shift be authentic, not a suppression or denial of the need or boundary.
All needs and boundaries are valid but they may be adjustable. Needs and boundaries are held by parts and the first step to working with them is to connect with the part holding the need or boundary from your authentic core self with curiosity and courage.
This can be a protracted process as you will likely need to first work with other parts who have concerns. As they begin to trust you they may lead you to a wounded part of yourself. They use the need or boundary to protect and help manage the pain and strong emotions the wounded part carries. This patient, curious and compassionate attention may lead to a moment where you are able to connect with the wounded part without its strong emotions taking you over. You may witness it’s story, allow it’s feelings to be felt and invite it to leave the painful past and join you in the present.
Depending on the particular parts involved in you and your partner, you may be able to go through this process with your partner. This may help your partner to also shift their need or boundary. Hopefully as you both authentically work with your parts and each other’s parts you eventually come to a place where your needs and boundaries no longer conflict.
Many needs can be partially or completely met internally, taking some pressure off the partner to move their boundary. This is where knowing ourselves and our wounded parts becomes very important. The goal is that we become the primary caretaker of our parts, and our partner becomes the secondary caretaker. As the intensity of our need subsides, our partner’s boundary may automatically relax with a bit of time.
Often our partner wants to meet our needs but it’s just too much. Just as it’s difficult to safely swim up to a drowning person, they may subconsciously feel unsafe coming towards you in your moments of intense need. If your needs are less intense and they sense you have the consciousness to not pull them down with you, they may be willing to approach you and offer secondary care to your needful part.
Perhaps you go the full journey into your system, and your partner does as well, but you find that you both aren’t able to shift enough to authentically make it work. In this case, you will both understand the true nature of why your relationship isn’t working, and you can consciously end or redefine the relationship without blame and resentment. You will know your partner went to the edge of hell to make it work, and you did the same. You will understand what crossing that boundary does to them and what having that need unmet does to you. From that place you can realize the most loving thing is to step back from the relationship. In this scenario, parts who are invested in the relationship may covertly try to suppress the part who holds the need or boundary, and you’ll need to work with this part and find out what it’s afraid would happen if this relationship ended or was redefined. Help the part to understand that while it’s intentions are good, suppressing a part never works in the long run, and can be ruinous to your health and psyche.
Courageous couples keep at this process, and value becoming their true selves and living authentically over the relationship. They are willing to risk what they have for an authentic relationship where they can both be themselves and have their needs met.
This is interdependence, the grail of human relationships. Interdependent partners are fully self aware, secure and confident enough to have their needs met without shame and fulfilled enough to meet the needs of others without sacrificing themselves.
Partners who over give, and are unable to assert their own needs are codependent. Partners who stay locked down, suppress their needs and avoid getting close to anyone are independent.
I’ve contextualized the above around a couple relationship, but in reality as we get to know our parts and their authentic needs, it becomes obvious that we’ll need a constellation of relationships to become fully interdependent. No one person can meet the needs of all your parts or benefit from all you have to give. Start with transforming the relationships you have, but also be open to new people coming in where you have a need that is still unmet, or something to give that your existing relationships don’t seem to need.
A codependent or independent life is a tragedy, a life half lived. Both require immense suppression and are very unhealthy. Give all that you can cheerfully and take all that you need where it’s cheerfully given, and live in a constellation of healthy interdependent relationships.