I Think Therefore I Am… A Thinking Part

In western culture we are raised to believe we are our rational mind and I was no exception. Today I know I’m a thinking part within Matt. For the longest time I thought I was Matt, and that all of Matt’s problems, fears and erratic behavior were mine to curb, explain and resolve. And it was not going well.

Who decided I’m a part? I did. I stepped back and realized I’m not all that. I am limited to the neurons and neural networks inside of Matt that are dedicated to abstract reasoning. These neurons generate a conscious rational intellect that’s able to symbolically represent massive amounts of information. I use that information to build maps and models of reality and then run simulations and “imagine” different outcomes. I’m constantly testing and updating my maps and models with real world data and simulated outcomes. That’s pretty cool, but it isn’t everything.

Today I understand I’m critically necessary and beloved by Matt, but that I’m one of many parts. I understand the boundaries of rational thought and algebraic reasoning. Most of reality exists outside those boundaries and cannot be known by me. My world is abstract, a land of symbols. I live in the map, not the territory. I can’t work with paradoxes. While I may be more powerful than many supercomputers, I’m no match for the complexity and nuance of reality. I have no place on my maps for “experiential truth” but I have noticed that when Matt aligns more with what he experiences as true, rather than what I rationally deduce to be true, his life goes much better.

Intellects are explaining events after the fact. Filling in a narrative. Most decisions are made emotionally, and then rationalized. The modern intellectual part is very overworked, like a lawyer for an erratic client, running after him defending, explaining and rationalizing his behaviors and trying to patch up the damage.

Our society demands that we can explain ourselves, and that our explanations be logical, under penalty of being regarded as insane, which is the deepest fear of all intellectual parts.

Everything I “know” is a symbolic approximation and gross generalization of reality. “Apple” is a sound. It’s a sound that symbolizes a thing. All I work with is symbols, I never touch reality. I may as well be a cave man scratching crude pictures on the wall; my symbols are so far from capturing the realities they reference.

The idea that an experience is only true if it can be reconciled on paper with logic is absurdly limiting. We are taught to dismiss experiences and knowings that don’t fit within a logical framework.

I used to only entertain new ideas if they weren’t a big stretch to fit into my current maps, and that gave me a steadily adjusting map of “truth.” Today, if a new idea comes in, I check with other parts of Matt to see how it feels. There will be a resonance to it, it will “feel” true, there will be a wordless “yes” from Matt’s core. If no such yes is present, it isn’t true.

My job today is to take what Matt knows to be true and synthesize narratives around it to allow transferring that truth to others and adapt it’s implications into my plans. I simply am not responsible for Matt, like I once thought I was. In fact Matt is responsible for me.

These days I “think” a lot less, and hardly worry at all. I wait until I’m needed, or pipe up when I have a concern. Honestly I’ve been on a bit of a sabbatical the last few years as other parts have taken center stage and Matt transitioned into a more self-lead being. Once I gave up the need to keep track of where we were, to fold new beliefs into my map or make sure I could rationally reconcile everything Matt did or said, my life got way easier.

My goal is to be the best intellectual part. My drive for achievement hasn’t dissipated through this transition. First and foremost, a good intellectual part knows it’s a part and that logic is very limited. I am a good, critical, vital and essential part, but a part. A part with very real and significant limits. I am a wonderful servant and a terrible master. For instance, in relationships I used to always take over and work to solve whatever was the matter and figure out how to make the person like me. Now I don’t get involved, Matt has other parts who are much better at connecting and relating with others. Sometimes I’m invited in and I give a little speech about one of my special interest topics, or resolve a scheduling conflict, or calculate a tip, then bow out. Matt’s relationships are so much more meaningful and fulfilling now that I’ve taken a backup position. Similarly with life problems, I pop in as I’m called, and then bow out. Unless it’s an algebra test, I’m usually not as effective as Matt’s intuition at finding the right next action.

Today I’m having a bit of a renaissance. I’ve been tasked with documenting and sharing much of Matt’s experience in a way that might be of value to others in their journey. I have a lot of insecurity, but also excitement about this role. I want to speak for my insecure part (yes, parts have parts) with a few disclaimers;

I don’t have anything new to say. But I may be able to offer a unique synthesis that makes this blog worthwhile.

The blog is written mostly to past me, and that’s the “you” who I’m often talking to. Your mileage may vary.

Everything I say is my present level of understanding, my very limited map of the complex territory. Everything I say is also plagiarized, and I haven’t bothered to track my sources. I don’t think it matters, it’s either helpful or it’s not, and whoever I got it from got it from someone else. Tracing the lineage of ideas is academic folly. If something I say is true for you, you’ll know it in your bones. That’s the only criteria I use for truth today, does it feel true to Matt, is he getting that “wordless yes.”

Having said that, much of what I write here is probably not universally true, meaning that it was influenced by burdened parts in Matt’s system. I don’t know what I don’t know, and various parts still subtly edit and guide the words towards what feels safe for them. As Matt matures and continues to unburden his system I will attempt to edit and refine this blog.

Another insecurity I have around this blog is that I include a lot of personal information that’s relevant to how I arrived here with these ideas. That personal information includes significant characters from my past like my parents and ex wife. Generally, they don’t agree with my conclusions or recollection of events. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but sharing the experiences that shaped these ideas seems important to the relatability and validity of what I’m sharing.

Lastly, Christianese is my mother tongue, and while I have little use for my religious training these days, I still have a Christian Mystic deep within me who formed in my teens and loves to express, and so you’ll find that peppered throughout.